 Relationships
Relationship Counselling with Gayle in Surrey or Hampshire
(More about Gayle Joubert here or on the home page)
It goes without saying that, when seeking any form of therapy, you should feel comfortable with your therapist and feel that they understand you and want to help you to the best of their ability.
Clients ask for relationship counselling for a variety of reasons. It may be to work through a current relationship situation, to recover from a past relationship, or it may be direction (is this person right for me? Should I stay in this relationship?).
Clients wanting relationship counselling for direction are often tricky because as counsellors we cannot tell you what to do, we can only help you to see the road ahead more clearly and make an informed choice.
When counselling couples I always see the parties separately as well as together. The reason being that there are almost always things that a person would rather not say openly in front of their partner - usually out of fear of hurting them. I use this opportunity to ask each partner individually how they see the relationship progressing; what the other partner could do to make them feel loved and wanted; and how they feel they could improve the relationship. This interview will usually indicate to me whether a person actually wants the relationship to work or not.
In the end, this, and this alone, determines the outcome of couples counselling. If one partner (perhaps even subconsciously) does not want the relationship to continue long term, no amount of counselling will change that. However, all is not lost in this situation. What can be done, is that the person could find that their expectations of relationship are unrealistic and they could change their mind. There may be hidden agendas which could be brought to light. All of this work would be done on a one-to-one counselling basis.
In other cases, partners bring childhood issues into their relationships. Fear of rejection, confidence issues, jealousy, possessiveness, insecurity - all of these are generated by past experiences. These, too, would be dealt with on a one-to-one basis.
Of course we all know the person who feels that they are perfect and only their partner is to blame. I have to be honest, this is the most difficult person to work with - the blame party has to be prepared to look at themselves in a relationship before counselling can be effective. Some people say "I know I have faults, BUT ...." with the but implying that it is their partner who has the most issues and is therefore almost entirely to blame.
This person is probably (not always! - they may be right!) the one who needs the most work. Love and relationship require forgiveness, understanding, and acceptance. When we want the other person to change their personality to suit us, we are unlikely to have success in relationship. While behaviours can change, personality does not. A gentle person who prefers to be in the background is unlikely to become the strong confident leader type. Their strength lies in their gentleness - and it is a strength!
For singles or couples counselling in Guildford, Woking, Surrey, Fareham, Hampshire, contact via email or telephone.
Love Languages in Relationships
One of the most important issues in relationship is love language - and yet nobody ever teaches it to us! I think it should be taught as a basic subject in junior education!
There are different ways we give and receive love - and although we use all of them, we have certain favourites. When another person does not speak our 'love language' we can miss the all important signals of their devotion and feel insecure, unloved and even withdraw emotionally.
Love Languages was first written about by Gary Chapman, in his book "The Five Love Languages". There are one or two others that I have discovered along the way, which may well branch off from these in some way but are definitely different.
The love languages are:
Words -a "Words Person" never says what they don't mean and they take words very seriously. A non-words person tends to say things like "well, it's just words!" which infuriates a words person! Words are their primary way of showing affection, giving and receiving love, and are extremely important to them. They can remember a kind word forever, and obviously a negative word for even longer! Don't be surprised when this person says "but you said ..." or "You never say ..." They *need* words!
Acts of Service - a typical "Service Person" is the man who comes home, gardens, helps clean up, does the lawn, and even the ironing. His wife may well be saying "You don't show me you love me. You never spend any time with me!" and he replies "I am doing this for you!" They give and receive love by what they *do*. They see acts of kindness as their partner showing affection for them. One lady burst into tears when I asked her what her husband could do to show her he loved her. She said "He always used to bring me tea in the morning, now he never does ...!"
Visual or Gifts - A "Visual Person" is quite literally about what they actually *see*. They see their partner wearing the clothes they bought them, wearing a hairstyle they like, or giving them little visual gifts in some way as approval and affection. This is the person who loves to buy little things for you, and the woman who loves flowers. (Don't all women love flowers? I hear you ask. Well, yes, but some will plonk them in a vase and say "so what? you never show me you love me!" This can leave a man totally perplexed but the truth is that they mean "you don't use *my* love language!") Flowers are always appreciated, but more so if the woman feels cared for in her 'language' if it is different. They way you literally look at them means the world too!
Physical Touch - No this does not mean sex. This is the person who shows their affection with little touches, warm and affectionate hugs, and likes to be close to you. Can you imagine how a "Hugs Person", as I call them, feels when their partner is non-huggy? Of course they will feel rejected and over time withdraw their love out of sheer self-preservation.
Attention - The "Attention Person" needs one to one eye contact, and *time*. They need to know that they are heard, that their feelings and thoughts are validated by you. Of course we all need attention (as we all need all of the other ways of showing love) but this person will particularly feel unloved if they are not given quality time. They will make time for you, and expect or want you to do the same.
"Being There" - Now this is a tricky one, and one I at first thought was a spin off from the attention person, but now think it is entirely different. This person simply feels that by being there he or she is showing you that they care. They simply wouldn't be there if they didn't want to be. This is the person who says "Of course I love you! I married you didn't I?" In other words, when I stop caring, I won't be here anymore! Very hard to tell and very hard on the other love language people, this can be the most difficult to live with. This person assumes that their partner is there because they care - but their partner may be thinking "I am only here because I have to be".
Incidentally - it is worth noting that a person who feels insecure and lacks self-esteem in some way will resist their very own love language!! They feel that they are not worth being loved and therefore find it most difficult to accept affection in their own 'language'. The words person finds it hard to accept a compliment, the visual person finds it hard to accept a gift, the attention person finds it hard to believe you want to spend time with them, the service person finds it hard to let you do anything for them, the physical touch person finds it hard to receive hugs, and the being there person just doesn't believe you want to be there!
You can see how easily people can misunderstand each other simply because they don't speak each other's love language in their relationships. This is true for children, business partners, friends, siblings, parents, everyone!
One question I am always asked is "So how do I get my partner to speak my language?" Well, my answer to that is that when you learn to speak theirs, they will want to learn to speak yours - hopefully! But at least you will understand what their actions are saying and learn to read their affection correctly. You can then learn to show them affection in their language, and witness the result! It will transform your relationship, I promise!
I give workshops and do speaking engagements on Love Languages as well as counselling. For more information contact me via email or telephone in London, Surrey or Hampshire.
Choosing Partners
All of us have a notion of our value in the mating market place of romantic relationships and in sizing up potential lovers or marriage partners, while we might dream of George Clooney or Jennifer Lopez, in reality we go for people we consider to have roughly the same attractiveness value as ourselves. In doing so, it is not only looks that are factored into the equation: personality, status and wealth also matter. We may be prepared to trade a slightly bigger belly than we might ideally want in a partner for their charm or ability to make us feel loved.
However, what men and women see as tradable differs, and this also depends on how serious the relationship is, if two studies of 400 New Zealand students are to be believed.
Overall women placed greater importance on the warmth and trustworthiness of a potential mate, and on wealth and status. This was nine times stronger if the woman was being asked to consider the mate as marriage material rather than for a one-night stand.
On the other hand, if forced to choose between a partner who was warm but poor rather than rich and cold, both men and women were equally likely to opt for the lovable loser.
Likewise, there was no gender difference if forced to choose between 'warm but unattractive' versus 'cold and stunning'. If a long-term relationship was on offer, they nearly all preferred warmth to looks but if it was a brief fling, shallow beings that we are, looks prevailed.
However, the caveat to all of this is that our choices are often limited. Very often we choose somebody simply because they are there and available, and we are feeling lonely.
Then, of course, there are those who believe in fairy tales and whose expectations exceed what normal life is able to provide. They often flit from relationship to relationship because only the initial "limerance" phase is appealing to them. Once a relationship settles down to more mundane life, and that warm part of feeling secure and just being together as a family or couple, they leave for more romantic and exciting pastures.
In choosing a partner to spend our lives with, we need to take into account certain fundamentals:
Mutual Agenda - do they want the same thing? Is it about growing old together? Is it about exciting sex? Having children? Creating wealth and security? Having fun? It may seem to you that your partner must obviously want what you do, but that simply isn't true. It needs to be discussed and communicated so that your expectations are clearly the same. Where your mutual agenda differs, heartbreak is sure to follow in some way.
Love Language - (see above). It is vitally important that you accept your partners love language and can cope if it isn't the same as yours. Think carefully. I am a words person - I thought I could live without them but after first two and then 22 years of feeling lonely within a relationship, I discovered I simply didn't want to! Physical Touch is my second language and had that been adequate it may have been enough, but choosing "being there" partners was definitely not a clever move despite them being wonderful people and good company.
Class, upbringing and social status - I know it seems shallow and definitely non-pc, but I see many problems arising from differences in this area. Sooner or later the table manners, social habits, deliberately farting in company, putting the cigarette out in a coffee cup, eating habits, .............(fill in the blank yourself) will cause a rift. Best find somebody who you feel comfortable being yourself with, and who feels comfortable being themselves with you. I know that there are some things I simply wouldn't want to put up with (and from the list above you won't find it difficult to know what they are!) - know what these are for you and don't just ignore them!
Neat and tidy? Strangely this can be a real sticking point for many couples. People who are pedantic about neatness find untidiness incredibly hard to live with. When troubles hit, this is one area that gets picked on the most! Hence all the jokes about his socks being left lying around, or the toothpaste tube being squeezed in the middle! Best find somebody who doesn't mind your untidy habits or who is as pedantic about neatness as you. Or of course you could chill out (difficult without therapy - but I could help there!), or you could learn to be pedantically neat. Or find a middle ground. It is possible. This isn't an insurmountable problem, just one to consider carefully if it is important to you.
Other habits - it may take time to get to know what really irritates you. You can either learn to chill and become more accepting or avoid the things you know you wouldn't want to live with. Do you watch the same sort of television shows? That's a good sign!
Introversion / Extroversion - here I am not talking about the classic understanding of loud / quite. I am talking about the need for 'me' time and the need for 'people time'.
Introverts in this sense are energised by time alone and people drain them after a while. Extroverts are energised by people and when alone reach for a phone or their computer to talk on msn or email somebody! They talk things out while introverts think things out on their own. Of course we all need both, but it is vitally important for people to understand their partners need for 'me' time is not rejection! It is vital to their well being. Understanding this can make or break a relationship. The introvert will, eventually, feel impelled to leave a relationship where they cannot get time alone in some way. The extrovert can, and should, find other company and fill this time constructively.
Sometimes the divide is too big. Make sure it's ok for you.
Some extroverts choose introverts on a subconscious level because they allow 'alone time' that they would not tend to create for themselves, feeling as they do that they need to speak to people and entertain them in some way when they are around. This can be tiring even for an extreme extrovert, which is why in this case opposites often attract.
The introvert may subconsciously choose an extrovert because they create social time that they would not create for themselves if left to their own devices. We *need* both and subconsciously we choose partners who will make up for areas where we aren't naturally comfortable.
For relationship counselling for singles or couples, in Guildford, Woking, Surrey, Fareham, Portsmouth, Hampshire - contact me via email or telephone.
Relationship Recovery
Getting back on track after a relationship breaks up can be one of the hardest things we have to face in life.
Whether your relationship has left you hurt, bewildered, confused, bitter, disappointed, angry, rejected, broke, broken, or any or all of those, you may be feeling as if you will never get over it.
Of course you know that eventually you will, but perhaps right now you simply can't even imagine that time. You could wait for time to heal all, or you could get some help.
I know that some people feel they are being weak by getting help, and others feel that nobody will ever be able to help them. Neither are true. You will be able to trust again, everybody needs help from time to time and millions of people have been where you are now and gone on to a happy and peaceful life with wonderful relationships.
Relationships are where we learn our hardest life lessons, so it is not surprising that they aren't the fairy tales that we are often led to expect! When we can see what we have learned, assimilate the lesson into our lives, we can move on.
The hard part is that if we don't do that, we are likely to keep repeating the same mistake over and over again!
For help in getting your life back on track after a relationship break up, or for help in discovering how to avoid going around the same relationship mountain again and again, contact me via email or telephone in Guildford, Woking, Surrey, Fareham, Portsmouth, Hampshire.
How to recognise UNSAFE people
The interesting thing about writing this is that I know most people will only read it in retrospect. UNSAFE people, or people who break our hearts and ruin our trust or break our confidence usually arrive unsuspectingly.
They appear charming and attentive. They often seem to be the person of your dreams. And then things start to go wrong. You hang in there, thinking it must surely be your fault. After all, they say it is your fault and they may be right! Months or years down the line you come to your senses and realise it wasn't you after all!
Suddenly you realise how many 'facts' don't fit. Or you realise that they will always blame others and it will always be all about them. They are never going to love anybody - not really.
Or suddenly you have no money left and off they go into the distance, driving the car you probably paid for.
Or perhaps you finally leave the Land of Denial and find out about their other partners, secret life, or that everything they ever said was a lie.
However, just in case you are wise enough to read this *before* you meet such a person, let's also hope you are savvy enough to walk away and not make excuses for them. That is the number one problem with unsafe people, and why they get away with it. Their charm has vulnerable people believing they have met their fairy tale dream. They make all sorts of excuses for bad or hurtful behaviour because the good times out-weigh the bad. Don't believe it. If you recognise the behaviours below, be very, very, careful!
PLEASE donct think that any one of these things is a reason to run a mile - you will need to use your judgement. The behaviour might simply be a defense mechanism or low self-esteem. Therapy could help - they may not be a lost cause!
I have interviewed several people who have been involved in relationships with 'unsafe' people who have broken their spirit and their hearts (for a while anyway!) and asked them what they would watch out for in future. This is what they said, as well as a few I have added from experience in the counselling room. Please take them as warning signs only. You are best advised to ask friends whether you are being paranoid or whether they agree that you are on 'unsafe' ground. They are more likely to see the wood for the trees than you are. On the other hand, if you recognise several of these traits - run!
Too much interest in finances. They ask about your pensions, your divorce settlement, your insurances. Of course a potential partner may well ask these things, but watch out if their interest seems a little more than is 'normal'.
Anger at others, road rage, aggressive behaviour. They forget the outside world can see them when they are in their car, but they contain it when in normal social situations. When on your own you see the anger explode. Beware! They need anger management therapy at the very least, and more likely inner healing and to deal with deeper issues. Otherwise you will be their next target as soon as you are safely 'their' possession.
Constant need to attract attention - likes to be the centre of attention, which is quite normal for some people, but in this case you will recognise that it is not normal behaviour. This person has to be either in control of the situation or not there at all. They may control by being 'in charge', by their mood (expect everybody else to notice and tip-toe around them), or by being a constant 'victim'. If they are not in control, they would rather leave as they feel unnoticed. They cannot give attention or love, except to gain it back.
Flirts with other women. He may even point out how many woman he could have but has chosen you! He makes you feel insecure and vulnerable but assures you of his undying love. Doesn't ACT as if you are the only one even though he says so (e.g. looking over your shoulder at others in the room). Mostly this one applies to men, but can apply to women too.
Everything is everybody else’s fault. They constantly look for something to critisize. They need to put others down to make themselves seem better. They are unable to take the blame for anything. This is often due to extremely low self-esteem. If they take the blame it will take their view of themselves even lower so they just can't do it!
Controlling. Constantly questioning you – where are you? Why didn’t you answer your phone? Who were you speaking to? When somebody needs to know everything about you, and needs to control your every move - say goodbye now. Not worth trying to fix, in my opinion.
Alienates you from your friends and family. They create an 'us and them' situation – making enemies out of other people. This is another form of control. When they are your only friend, you have nowhere else to go.
Not around when you call them – they have always got an excuse and don’t like you questioning them. They are in control, remember? You aren't allowed to play their game, not even hint at it!
Doesn’t have any friends. Have you met their friends? Do they constantly tell you how everybody has let them down? (It's always other people's fault, remember?) Beware. There is no smoke without fire. Choose people who have lots of friends who love them - they have known them longer than you have!
Bad relationships from the past. Same as above. Most people have had bad relationships, but ALL of them? Normal, nice, genuine people also have past relationships where they are still friends, where there are no hard feelings.
Says other people are controlling and manipulative (especially you!) This is called projection. They project on to others what they are themselves. You are bound to feel terrible and try to change your behaviour. This accusation effectively stops you questioning them in any way. Very clever.
Paranoid behaviour. (I am being followed, watched, phone tapped, others are talking about me, have it in for me)
Tries to take over as the expert – everybody else’s information is rubbish, he/she knows more and is more evolved.
Compulsive behaviour. This could be Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and an entirely separate issue, but sometimes unsafe people show the same signs. Perhaps their compulsion arises from the stress of having to constantly play a part and never really be themselves?
Cause conflicting emotions or a feeling of push / pull. They may you feel good - actually really wonderful. Then bad - really awful. It's a classic control measure and keeps you wondering and on your toes. Eventually you wonder whether you are sane, are a nervous wreck and putty in their hands. If you feel great one minute and bad the next, is it really worth it?
Not prepared to spend money on you. Back to the financial thing again. I haven't come across this one very often. Mostly the one I hear about is:
They lavish money on you in the beginning. Then later you find out they don't actually haven any of their own. It is all borrowed or even stolen! They may even start borrowing money from you and after a while you find yourself paying for all the holidays, dinners, etc. and somehow never get paid back.
They pretend they are something they are not. How do you know this? Well, have you met their workmates? Their friends? Their family? If all you get is constant excuses, be very, very, wary.
Too good to be true. They say everything you ever wanted to hear. You are my world. You are my soul mate. I would die without you. Although in most new relationships you often think it is too good to be true, so don't write it off yet! The main thing is that you feel great all the time or almost all of the time in new relationships - with the unsafe person you often feel really bad and the good times just seem so good that you deny the bad times.
How to avoid an unsafe person coming into your life:
This is a tough one, because they come in all shapes and sizes. They may be just after your money, a pathalogical liar, or a sociopath, or, god forbid, all of those. They may just be badly scarred in life and treat people as they were once treated. They may just have learned to be a 'victim' and expect you to constantly save them. There are many reasons why people are unsafe.
When I asked a survivor of an extremely manipulative relationship, she said "don't be as open". I think that is so sad because I pride myself on being open and we are always trying to help people to feel safe, show their feelings, be more vulnerable. The idea is not to become less trusting and more suspicious. It is just sad when that happens, but inevitable without the right help.
My advice would be to make sure that you are a secure within yourself as possible. When you are confident and secure it is very hard for somebody to take advantage of you. People who are controlling and manipulative prey on targets where they can make you feel on top of the world (thus love and want them) and bring you down really easily (prey on your weakness and self-doubt).
Manifesting the right partner in your life
If you have heard of the Law of Attraction, you will be aware that we attract various people and experiences into our lives depending on our attitudes and beliefs. If you believe you are a loser, you will be. If you believe you attract honest, loving people, you will.
Become the type person you are looking for. The best way to attract the lover, partner and best friend into your life is to BE the person you are wishing for. BE honest, caring, confident, charming, etc.
Time and again I see like attracting like and people 'feeding' off one another's pain and problems. Victims attract victims and they feed on their mutual victimhood.
Be WHOLE yourself and then find your perfect partner. Two halves, when they join, make two halves. They don't make a whole. Two WHOLES, however, when they join, make two perfectly joined circles. Two whole circles make a chain that is not easily broken.
Work on your confidence, inner security and self-esteem. It is not your partner's job to make you feel good about yourself. You should feel good about yourself already, and if you don't it is still your responsibility, not theirs. Get help with confidence issues.
Make a list of how you want to feel in a relationship - then make affirmations to that effect. eg. I feel loved. I feel sexy. I feel secure. I feel full of fun. I feel excited. I feel happy.
Affirmations are always said in the present. It is said that when you already feel those things you will attract them to you. Again, it is not your partner's responsibility! YOU decide how you feel!
A good affirmation might be:
"I have an excellent lover, friend and companion who joins with me for our mutual highest good for happiness and fulfilment, where we help each other fulfil our highest potential, particularly in spiritual growth and destiny. My partner speaks my love language, believes in me. My partner is capable, beautiful in soul and nature. My partner is sociable and likeable. "
Make up your own and affirm it every day!
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